Ok, so I have not been on here in a long time, not written, or really thought too much about my blog for awhile. I have had it in the back of my mind, stuffed with goals I am afraid to speak out loud or commit to. Do you have those goals too?
Anyway, today was a good day to Stop, Challenge & Choose, like Dr. Wayne Scott Anderson would say, but alas, I did not do that. However, my choices were not concerning food, but with my self talk. Let me explain.
This morning began early, I was up at 4:30 am because my daughter had to be at the High School for State Choir Adjudication at 5:45 am. We were up and got her to the school on time. I went home and finished getting ready and headed out the door, pretty much at my goal time. Yay me! Matt is away this weekend at a conference so, I had to fly solo to the contest.
I plugged along and finished listening to Girl Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis (Totally recommend this book if you haven’t picked it up yet!). I was pumped, ready to take on my goals and whatever life was going to throw at me. The audio book finished just before I would arrive at the school…or what I thought was the school. I parked and happily walked toward the building…which didn’t look like a school, but my GPS told me to turn there. I walked in and it was a fitness center. I asked the ladies behind the desk and they told me to follow the road around to the school. I then went around the road, saw the big high school, parked for the second time and began to walk in.
I looked around and saw a family get out of the car carrying a box. I wondered what that was all about, but kept walking. I then saw a few more families walking toward the door carrying items and wondered if I had the wrong part of the high school. I got back in my car…it is now 8:20 am. (I arrived at the first location at 8:11 am …perfect amount of time to park and walk to the venue, I was proud of myself.) I scoured the emails from the choir teacher again, trying to find more information. Well, then I saw it. The name of the high school I drove to was NOT the school I was at. I wanted to cry right then and there. I quickly plugged in the correct address into my GPS and realized I would not get to the next school in time. I drove an hour and a half and will miss the performance by about 10 minutes.
I began my drive to the other high school and I lost it. Let’s just say it is a good thing I was alone in my car and my windows were up. I cried, I yelled, I shouted, I cried again, I had patient road rage (I would never honk or disrespect the law because I don’t want to hurt anyone or myself.), you get the picture. I was a mess. I then attacked myself. Have you done that before? Speak words about myself I would NEVER let anyone speak about themselves in my presence. I just completely let everything go I had just listened to, and disregarded all of the personal development I have been doing. All of it, gone in an instant. Maybe I left it in the second wrong parking lot I turned into today?
I hurried into the school and found out where to go. I rushed through the school hallway, passed the auditorium by mistake, and then circled back to the auditorium. I could hear a faint noise from the auditorium and finally got the courage to ask the teen at the door if the choir had any more songs. The choir was on the last song and the teen let me in. I am grateful for that because the door attendants are really not supposed to let anyone in. I heard three-quarters of the last song. Yep, an hour and a half drive for two minutes of music.
I composed myself and looked for a familiar face, or a face that I could confess my mistake to and get just a little bit of love. I knew lots of people leaving the auditorium and many people said hi, but none of them would be the right people to connect with. I was fortunate to see my friend Marcia and her husband Jan and I went straight to them. I told them what I did and asked if this mama could have a hug. I was just empty inside. Looking back at the situation I have to ask myself the following questions. Was this my daughter’s last concert? No. Have I missed a concert before? No. So, why am I being so hard on myself? I let my temporary mistake define me and my day.
I put a smile on my face and made conversation with the few other people I knew while we were there, but my day was skewed. While waiting for the men’s chorus to perform their songs my daughter mentioned she wanted her friend to come over for the day. I told her okay, but deep down I had wanted to spend the day with her. I had hoped to go to Cleveland and do some shopping and just spend a nice day together, but I didn’t mention it. I asked my daughter a few questions, but never asked her if she wanted to shop in Cleveland. I didn’t want to disappoint her and her friend, so I kept it quiet. I have learned through my personal development not to do this, yet I reverted back to old ways.
My daughter’s friend wasn’t really available until the evening, even though I had fished around for more details to try to avoid this situation earlier in the day. I was again sad and hurt because if we had known her friend was tied up until the evening, we could have done something together for the day. At this point we were closer to home than Cleveland so turning around was not the option.
Next, we had an awkward stop trying to find a restroom on the way home. First, we tried a fast food restaurant that was too busy to even get in the parking lot, then we tried the grocery store and we couldn’t find the restroom then, finally we went to the gas station. By the time we made it home, I was just a mess. I was upset because we didn’t do anything, upset that I didn’t speak up, upset that the day was crummy, I was a grouch.
Then, to top off the day, my daughter mentioned other plans where most of them included me spending a little time with her and the rest with her and her friends, leaving me alone. She is 16 and I am sure she doesn’t want to spend time with me, but I was still so sad and disappointed.
Now, many moms would probably like the alone time, but it seems like I have had a lot of that lately. Alone time. I have had a pretty big realization lately that even though I have friends, I really don’t have girlfriends. Does that make sense? Maybe I appear too busy? Maybe people don’t think I like them? Do they think I already have loads of girlfriends that keep me busy and happy? Well, I really don’t. I have some friends I talk to hear and there, and a few I can share some of what may go on in my life, but pretty much I do most of the friend thing alone. Now, I don’t want to leave out my husband Matt. I am thankful for him and we are able to talk and connect, but let’s face it, he’s not a girl. 🙂 I am sort of friendless. This is not a plea to have others reach out and tell me they are my friend and so forth, I am just trying to be raw.
We finally went to the mall for a bit and I told my daughter about my disappointment, however, I was pretty much a Negative Nellie for awhile. She asked me not to be like that the whole time so, I kept my emotions in check and we shopped for a bit. We had an okay time and most of it was fairly pleasant, just not the day I had hoped for. I couldn’t wait to get home, not because I was miserable, I was still with my daughter and really wasn’t even too upset while we shopped, I think I just wanted to be home.
I am writing all of this mostly because I wanted to get it all down. I am not happy with my behavior or attitude. I still feel hurt and sadness, but I thought writing it all out may help. The blog came to mind as I sat in the living room trying to talk myself out of the bad mood and to stay away from the negative talk. I apologized to my daughter via text, since her friend is now here, and knew it was time to make a choice to change my attitude. I thought maybe if I wrote down my thoughts I could be more calm and reflective about my day.
One of the verses that came to my mind when I was writing this was Philippians 1:6 where I am reminded that I am a work in progress. Aren’t you so glad He has got you? I know God has got ahold of me, so why do I quickly turn to anger at myself? I am learning how to be the best Stephanie I can be, and it is obvious I still have a ton to learn about being kind to myself.
I am confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in me will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6).
Stephanie <3